Rant #7: People Who Comment Just to Comment

November 30, 2011

You know, maybe it is me.  During these rants, I can’t help but feel like I expect too much of everyone in an office setting.  Maybe I am just going to have to lower my expectations.  Maybe I expect too much when I assume comments made at a meeting are worth while or contributing to the common goal.  However, I still really can’t stand when people just comment to comment.

These people, while adoring the sound of their own voices, have some of the worst corporate verbal diarrhea I have ever heard.  It is like they ate “ass kissing”, “the blame game”, and “look at how awesome I am” from a street meat cart.  I don’t need to be in the path of this hot air leaking from an oral cavity with an identity crisis.  (Your mouth thinks it’s a heine hole!!!!) Please stop making half hour meetings into two and half hour sagas about how you are the ONLY person doing their job, especially when the rest of your team is in the room. 

Please eat a breath mint, your mouth smells like Bull Shit.

WHERE CAN I BUY THIS TIE?


Rant #6: Give Me a Few Minutes

November 29, 2011

I hate when people don’t give you a few minutes to get settled in the morning. 

It is as if they have an alert that goes off when you walk in.  Seriously, they had to have added a trip wire to the building entrance.  Most people just had some sort of frustration with their commute or at least have messages/emails to check– give them a minute to relax, before you shit all over their desk. 

If I still have my coat on, don’t bark orders at me.  Guess what?  If I don’t have a cup of coffee first, I can’t hear you.  Furthermore, if my computer isn’t on yet, I can’t get it done “RIGHT AWAY.”  Did you see that email?  No, you don’t pay me enough to justify a blackberry and I haven’t made it to my desk– you ambushed me at the elevator.

All I need is 5-10 minutes.  Let me turn on my computer, check my email, and get a cup of coffee.  I will be better able to answer your question, if I have been actually able to read the email chain.

Oh yeah, as an fyi, the news is way more interesting than that work you gave me, so I am going to read that first.  K, Thanks.


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #3: When Other People Actually Care

November 28, 2011

I acknowledge that I am completely underemployed in a field I have no interest in, so the people in my same position (with the same feelings re their job) who take their jobs seriously make me laugh. 

People keep saying things like “Oh my God, my morning has been so busy.  I had to schedule all these meetings, create all these files, and kiss butt the whole time!”  Why are you people getting stressed over this?  You are a temp, A TEMP!  The company doesn’t care about you!  Is your world truly going to come crashing down if you make the file in the afternoon?  Your over reactions and mini heart attacks are just so cute.  Awwww, You believe that you matter.  Yay!!  Temp 24601 made a meeting!!  You wanna treat?

How should I reply to this nonsense? “Yeah, my morning was crazy busy– I did some shopping, a little blogging, and spend a TON of time on gchat.  I am EXHAUSTED.” 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for doing the job that you are getting paid for.  But, if you pay me 3 pennies an hour, guess how much I am going to care?  That’s right about 3 pennies worth of caring, coming your way.  Cheap bastards.

I am judging all the Patty Simcox of the temp/underemployed/underpaid world.  Please enjoy my cynical and judgmental laughter.

Wait- Where's my gchat?


Rant #5: Christmas List Laziness

November 23, 2011

It really fires me up when you ask some one, “Hey, what do you want for Christmas?” and they say, “You don’t have to get me anything.”

Well, that is just a bunch of BS.  I am getting you something for Christmas, so just tell me what you want.  Imagine, I show up on Christmas with nothing for you.  You would be disappointed and I would feel like an asshole. 

Part of Christmas is making a list.  As a child, you can’t wait to make your list and it is a gazillion things long.  As an adult, ehh, little more difficult.  It is hard to come up with things that you sort of need, but aren’t too expensive.  It would be SO much easier if I could ask for some one to pay my car insurance for the year or any other of my bills that are a giant pain in the butt.  But no, EVERYONE has to make a list consisting mostly of items that range from $15-$50. 

The phrase, “You don’t have to get me anything” is such a cop-out.  Now, instead of getting you the thing you sort of want, I am stuck here trying to dream up ideas about what you might like or need.  You are making me do double the work!  You are not special, you don’t get to be lazy about your Christmas list.  Make it and be done with it.

I am buying you a present, damn it.  Unless you want old VHS tapes and Werther’s Originals, make the effin list.


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #2: Comical Condescension

November 22, 2011

I LOVE when people are too dumb to notice you are making fun of them.  You know, when they are the perfect combination of outspoken and horribly stupid.  They just open up these wonderful doors into Snide-Comment Land and Judgmental-Eyebrow-Raise Universe.  All these assholes need is enough time, and they will just make your point for you.

Instead of sitting back in judgment, like most people with even the tiniest bit of pity for stupidity would do, I take an active role in these conversations.   Every sentence, I test my ability to make a joke that goes over this idiot’s head.  Or even better, comically point out their flaws in a sweet-as-pie voice.  The whole time walking that fine line between mildly condescending and enough positive reassurance to keep them going. 

These people love to burp up nuggets of the undigested pieces of shit they feed to their ego.  It just makes my day to make fun of this poop-filled person without them knowing. 

Winning.


Rant #4: The Story Trumper

November 21, 2011

I hate when people interrupt a conversation to tell their story.  There’s a good flow, 3 or 4 people all equally contributing, and then the story trumper shows up.  You know, the person who has THE BEST story, which is inevitably long, convoluted, irrelevant, and ultimately SOOOO boring.

Look, everyone has their off day when telling a story.  Not every story can be as successful as Harry Potter or even that story where that one guy shit his pants.  In fact, most stories border on whamp whamp.  Those stories don’t bother me.  It is the story teller that bothers me.  It is the person who silences everyone else because they have to tell you how awesome they are/what a train wreck their friend is/how they are going to s some d later, or whatever.  I don’t care. 

If your story takes longer to set up than to tell, I don’t care.  If your story is an inside joke to a different group of friends, I don’t care.  If your story isn’t going to make my drink shoot out of my nose, I don’t care.  I don’t care about your ex’s.  I don’t care about the fantastic club you can’t remember the name of.  AND I certainly don’t care how long it took you to find that pair of shoes.

Get it straight – unless it is actually funny, don’t waste my time and ruin a conversation with your horrible story that no one cares about.


Rant #3: Move Along Friday and EFF Lafayette

November 18, 2011

It really grinds my gears that the minutes move by so effing slowly on friday.  Everyone walks around saying, “Thank God it’s Friday!” or “The weekend is almost here!”  Well it is not the weekend yet, people. 

I hate that I sit at my desk and think, “An hour MUST have passed.”  No, it’s been 3 minutes.  It’s almost the weekend.  BLAH BLAH.  Can some on tell that to the clock?  I’ve been at work for at least 10 hours, and it isn’t even noon yet.  Seriously, WTF?  (To all my friends in firm life, this is hyperbole, not truth – if I was still at the firm, it could actually be true.)

Because it is Friday, and I will not be ranting over the weekend, here is my weekend rant:

Lafayette – YOU SUCK.  People who went to Lafayette are simply people who Lehigh rejected.  You are like the red-headed step child of the PA schools.  Thank God tailgates are at Lehigh this year, because I couldn’t stand two years in a row in that mud pit you call tailgates.  Grow a pair, learn how to party.  And seriously, who cares about the football game– this weekend is just a time to remind you that Lehigh kids win at life. 

GO LEHIGH!!!!