Rant #33: I.T.

February 28, 2012

I know I haven’t posted in a while.  It may be that I have been better at managing my anger or (God Forbid) I may have been happy recently.  (GASP)   All of that changed today.

I hate IT departments.  Once in a while, a knowledgeable person will answer the phone.  BUT! Most of the time, you get an idiot, a certifiable (if there is such a thing) I-D-I-O-T, IDIOT.  Here is how my FORTY minute conservation went:

-I can’t open any word document from the database.  It gives me XYZ error message for every doc I try to open.
-hhhhmmm.  Let me try opening a document… (pause) I don’t seem to be getting that error.
-Well, I have tried asking other people to open the same doc, and they don’t get an error, so it must be my computer.
-hhhmmm.  Is this a 2003 word doc or a 2010 word doc?
-That particular doc is 2003, but it makes no difference.  I can’t open ANY word doc.
-How about I make you a new version of this doc and you see if that helps?
-I don’t see how it would, it is not just this document.  I cannot open ANY word document, whether or not I created it.
-Oh, so you can open any word document?

(And repeat.)

NO ASS HOLE.  I OBVIOUSLY HAVEN’T BEEN SAYING THAT.

This makes my blood boil, I think my veins are going to boil over and I am either going to explode with rage or have a heart attack.  Either way, I would be in a better place than sitting here on the phone with IT.

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Why Are You Telling Me This #3: Death

February 15, 2012

I swear – I work with the craziest people.  Today, the topic has shifted from Love to Death.  Seriously, death, funerals, and life insurance.  Why are you telling about what you want after you die?

First of All, when you die, you are dead.  You truly have no influence on what your family does to you.  Just because you say, “do this!” — doesn’t mean they are going to do it.  Second of all, I don’t need life insurance right now.  Quit telling me to get it.  I need to do things like pay rent – you know, something that helps me out when I am ALIVE.  Third, if you want to be cremated, why would you tell your family to rent a coffin for your viewing?  What kind of sense does that make?

Why? Why? WHY are you telling me about your death?!  I don’t even like you… I probably won’t go to your funeral.  I don’t want to know the particulars of your will.  I am probably already dead, anyway, because this is hell.


Why Are You Telling Me This #2: Valentine Haters

February 14, 2012

I spent the day listening to other people (aka, only women) bitch about they don’t have a date/boyfriend/valentine.  Not my problem, people.

Valentines Day is the same as any Disney Movie, completely made up just to inspire a fake notation of romance.  You want a dude to sweep you off your feet?  You should just be content if he actually sweeps. (Cough:: Or takes that giant pile of recycling out:: Cough)  True Romance is not one day of flowers and a fancy dinner.  True Romance is being able to call up your person and say, “There is a piece of glass in my foot, can you come help me get it out?” And having them drop everything, rush home, and take out the speck of glass that you claimed was a giant shard, and they STILL feel bad that the peroxide, that they are about pour over your nasty foot that has walked thirty blocks in sweaty shoes, may sting.

So why are you telling me what my dude should be doing for me?  What we do for Valentines Day is our business… and please keep what you are doing your business, too.  Going to a singles mixer?  Going to cry your eyes out to The Notebook? Gonna go out on the prowl?  Keep it to yourself… I will not be attending your pity party.


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #15: Alcohol Educator

February 13, 2012

Dear friends,

Since my job sucks so much that it inspired me to write a blog about how stupid everyone else at this place is, it should come as no surprise that I am looking for alternative employment.  That being said, I came across what I thought would be the perfect job for me… Alcohol Educator.

The role of Alcohol Educator would suit me perfectly.  I have had years of experience, enjoy the subject, and can suggest any style of booze on any budget.  Please see the attached photos as examples of my masterful work.  Having gone to a school ranked the #3 party school my freshman year, I have first hand knowledge of important skills pertaining to alcohol consumption, including, but not limiting to, funneling, beirut, kings cup, avoiding the authorities, public urination while avoiding the authorities, breaking up fights, flirting with bouncers to avoid a line and cover charge, bombs, bear fights, wine racks (aka booze bra), shuffle board, jute boxes, quarters (unfortunately), blacking out after getting home, and finally passing out with all of my clothes on.

Unfortunately, as I read the job listing further, it a call for “… an Alcohol Educator who will increase awareness of risks, effective interventions, and prevention activities to address harmful drinking. The Alcohol Educator will educate members, collaborate on the development and delivery of public education campaigns… He/she will manage initiatives to reduce harmful drinking, specifically excessive and underage drinking with an emphasis on high-risk communities.”

Whomps.

Sincerely,

Still Looking For Another Effing Job

Here we go…

        


Rant #32: The News

February 10, 2012

I am really tired of reading about a few topics in the news.  Please stop printing anything re the below.

-I don’t want to hear anything else from homophobic people about gay people.  Everyone should have the same rights.  And, who could ever hate on Ellen?  Seriously?  To one million moms – if you let your kids watch Finding Nemo, read Where the Wild Things Are, or listen to Adam Lambert, why do you care about JC Penny?

-Shut up, Gisele.

-I don’t care about the Catholic Church and Birth Control.  This just isn’t a news worthy matter.  We all get it, the Church doesn’t like birth control… How about, choose not to use it and move on?

-Yeah, it’s winter, it might snow.

-All reality “stars” are crackheads that are going to run through all their money.  Time to get over it.

-No more award shows, I just can’t take it.

-Newty-petooty, please just give up.


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #14: What Could It Be?

February 7, 2012

I am so sorry to laugh, because the guy is a great guy, BUT…

There is a man at work, just looking at his computer, mumbling under his breath.  He is saying things like:

-What the HELL is THAT?
-I have NEVER seen that.
-Seriously, WTF is this?
-Who would send something like this?
-Why is that there?
-WHAT IS THIS?
-Oh My God….

Now, I can’t see his computer screen, but I am DYING to know what he is looking at!  Every time he lets out a whisper, I get more interested.  Also, I am starting to imagine the possibilities of what it COULD be… Elephant porn? Ripley’s Believe It or Not? Something related to work?  (Nahhhh…)  A cruise ship held up by fire ants that can walk on water?  Does Betty White have a sex tape?


Rant #31: Fans

February 3, 2012

The Super Bowl is coming up – and this is a really important one, if you are in the North East.  There seems to be a lot of football talk happening… and I like most of it.  But, I HATE A-Hole fans.

Full Disclosure: I am a Giants Fan.  I want the Giants to win.

Not all fans are A-Holes.  (I mean, let’s be serious, not everyone is from Boston… or Philly.)  I have no problem with anyone wanting a team other than “my” team to win.  Zero problem.  I have a problem with fans that feel the need to call great plays made by the other team “lucky” or a “fluke.”  Look people, as much as it kills you to even think it… The guys on the other team worked as hard as “your” guys did.  No matter who wins, the game will be fair.

Also, there is a reason why I am putting quotes around “my” and “your”:  You and I are NOT a part of the Team.  I am not a player for the Giants, so therefore, I am not going to talk shit and say, “we are going to crush you.”  I am sorry, I may love the Giants, but I am not a 250 lbs athletic man.  When we cheer for “our” team, we say, “Go GIANTS!!”  Not, “Go US!!!”

Side Note: Suck it, Pats Fans.