Inappropriate Time to Laugh #12: Useless Bosses

January 26, 2012

I was out of the office for a long weekend… Thursday through Monday.  I thought – no big deal; people can fend for themselves for THREE days.  Apparently, I was wrong.

It truly makes me laugh – how helpless can you be?  I had a request on Thursday to print something out… on Tuesday, I came back to find out – NO ONE figured out how to hit print!  Not only did I have several emails asking for some of the DUMBEST stuff, my desk was buried in papers.  No no, not neatly stacked like you may have thought.  Scattered all over my desk, key board, and chair… some with post-its saying things like “scan this” or “FedEx this”.  Really?  Really?  I don’t know if they even figured out how to pick up the phone while I was away.

You may be thinking, “Well, it is nice to be needed.”  In this case, not so much.  I don’t mind the actual work I do, what I mind is wiping dribble off the chins of adults that supposedly function in the real world.  I mean, how would you ever get reservations at a restaurant if you didn’t have an assistant to make them?

Moral of the Story: No matter how smart, successful, or high powered you are… You are useless if you can’t properly use a printer.

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Rant #17: Last One in The Office

December 28, 2011

Oh Hello, Fancy seeing you here, since I am the LAST ONE IN THE OFFICE.  I am a legal assistant, people.  My job isn’t that important.  So, why is my bottom chained to the seat?  Why aren’t the important people here?  If the days between Christmas and New Years are so unimportant, that NO ONE comes in, why have ANY ONE here?  Close the office!! 

But, NOOOOOOO… when all the bosses are gone, they have their assistants stuck in the office until 5:30 pm, so if the phone rings, the assistant can say, “He’s in Aspen right now… Nope, he won’t answer you until the new year.” It is pointless. Now, all of the assistants left, and I am twiddling my thumbs until 6pm.  Great use of personnel. 

Eff it.  I’m leaving too.


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #8: Angry Shoppers

December 21, 2011

So, I was in line at Godiva today, doing some last minute shopping.  Well, for me it is last minute, but for some other people not so much.  To each his own. But, EVERYONE knows it’s Christmas time, and the lines are going to be completely outrageous.  It makes me laugh when people get mad that there is a line!  Seriously?  What did you expect?

It is the last couple of working days before Christmas, a lot of people are going to take off early.  I was in the Godiva store, which is connected to Grand Central, in Midtown…  Really Business Dude – You really think you are the only boss buying his assistant chocolates around lunch time?  Getting huffy, stomping your feet, and mumbling under your breath just isn’t going to make the line magically go faster!

To be fair, it did make me laugh that there were only two cashiers for about 60 people who were crammed into the tiny store front.  Sweet logic, Godiva!  (Sweet pun, Me!)


Rant #9: When it Rains, it Pours

December 6, 2011

I just should have stayed in bed today.  It’s raining, I hurt my back, and oh yeah, there is this little thing called work.  I guess it is penance for having a good day yesterday. 

‘Ever notice, when you are having a not-so-great day, all the sudden it just snowballs?  I was late again today, but one of my bosses noticed.  I walked by the office of my boss’s boss, and the Lady who caught me being late was throwing me under the bus for something she screwed up!  And then, THE SAME LADY called me into her office to yell at me about something else she told me to do!!  This all happened before 10:15 am.  I wish I could tell her, “Lady, just because you are completely incompetent, doesn’t give you the right to treat me like shit.”

OH, and in a meeting last week, this [enter your own choice word here] Lady was talking about how someone was rude to her, and that there is absolutely NO reason to ever be rude to anyone.  Well, Lady, you are rude to me EVERY day!  Chew on that one, you bleepity bleepity bleep bleep bleeper.


Rant #7: People Who Comment Just to Comment

November 30, 2011

You know, maybe it is me.  During these rants, I can’t help but feel like I expect too much of everyone in an office setting.  Maybe I am just going to have to lower my expectations.  Maybe I expect too much when I assume comments made at a meeting are worth while or contributing to the common goal.  However, I still really can’t stand when people just comment to comment.

These people, while adoring the sound of their own voices, have some of the worst corporate verbal diarrhea I have ever heard.  It is like they ate “ass kissing”, “the blame game”, and “look at how awesome I am” from a street meat cart.  I don’t need to be in the path of this hot air leaking from an oral cavity with an identity crisis.  (Your mouth thinks it’s a heine hole!!!!) Please stop making half hour meetings into two and half hour sagas about how you are the ONLY person doing their job, especially when the rest of your team is in the room. 

Please eat a breath mint, your mouth smells like Bull Shit.

WHERE CAN I BUY THIS TIE?


Rant #6: Give Me a Few Minutes

November 29, 2011

I hate when people don’t give you a few minutes to get settled in the morning. 

It is as if they have an alert that goes off when you walk in.  Seriously, they had to have added a trip wire to the building entrance.  Most people just had some sort of frustration with their commute or at least have messages/emails to check– give them a minute to relax, before you shit all over their desk. 

If I still have my coat on, don’t bark orders at me.  Guess what?  If I don’t have a cup of coffee first, I can’t hear you.  Furthermore, if my computer isn’t on yet, I can’t get it done “RIGHT AWAY.”  Did you see that email?  No, you don’t pay me enough to justify a blackberry and I haven’t made it to my desk– you ambushed me at the elevator.

All I need is 5-10 minutes.  Let me turn on my computer, check my email, and get a cup of coffee.  I will be better able to answer your question, if I have been actually able to read the email chain.

Oh yeah, as an fyi, the news is way more interesting than that work you gave me, so I am going to read that first.  K, Thanks.


Rant #2: Blame Your Assistant

November 16, 2011

I HATE when people blame their assistant for their incompetence.  Apparently, it is professional to pass the blame on the person coordinating your life, even WHEN THEY ARE STANDING THERE.   “My assistant never brought me that file.”  “My assistant never forwarded me that email.”  “My assistant never told me about that appointment.”  Here’s a question: If your assistant NEVER does anything, why haven’t you fired them??

If you have an assistant, do yourself a favor, check your files, check your messages, check your emails.  I am sure that 95% of the time you will find exactly what you are looking for.

Along a similar line, READ THE WHOLE EMAIL or EMAIL CHAIN.  The most annoying emails are the ones that ask you to restate the entire previous email.  If you have time to write an email asking a stupid question, you have time to read the email I sent you.

Bottom line:  Your disorganization, inability to read, and complete incompetence is not the fault of the person working for you.  If you constantly are blaming your assistant, YOU are most likely the problem.