Why Are You Telling Me This #2: Valentine Haters

February 14, 2012

I spent the day listening to other people (aka, only women) bitch about they don’t have a date/boyfriend/valentine.  Not my problem, people.

Valentines Day is the same as any Disney Movie, completely made up just to inspire a fake notation of romance.  You want a dude to sweep you off your feet?  You should just be content if he actually sweeps. (Cough:: Or takes that giant pile of recycling out:: Cough)  True Romance is not one day of flowers and a fancy dinner.  True Romance is being able to call up your person and say, “There is a piece of glass in my foot, can you come help me get it out?” And having them drop everything, rush home, and take out the speck of glass that you claimed was a giant shard, and they STILL feel bad that the peroxide, that they are about pour over your nasty foot that has walked thirty blocks in sweaty shoes, may sting.

So why are you telling me what my dude should be doing for me?  What we do for Valentines Day is our business… and please keep what you are doing your business, too.  Going to a singles mixer?  Going to cry your eyes out to The Notebook? Gonna go out on the prowl?  Keep it to yourself… I will not be attending your pity party.

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Rant #17: Last One in The Office

December 28, 2011

Oh Hello, Fancy seeing you here, since I am the LAST ONE IN THE OFFICE.  I am a legal assistant, people.  My job isn’t that important.  So, why is my bottom chained to the seat?  Why aren’t the important people here?  If the days between Christmas and New Years are so unimportant, that NO ONE comes in, why have ANY ONE here?  Close the office!! 

But, NOOOOOOO… when all the bosses are gone, they have their assistants stuck in the office until 5:30 pm, so if the phone rings, the assistant can say, “He’s in Aspen right now… Nope, he won’t answer you until the new year.” It is pointless. Now, all of the assistants left, and I am twiddling my thumbs until 6pm.  Great use of personnel. 

Eff it.  I’m leaving too.


Rant #16: Rude Humbug ‘Tudes

December 22, 2011

I hate when people wreck your mood.  I was all smiley and happy (it must be hard to imagine) and a number of people set out to make that mood change.

It’s a nice day; it’s the last day before a small break for Christmas; my spirits are high, as they should be.  So, I went to the pharmacy, waited in a long line, but the guy who helped me was super nice.  My spirits were still super high.  I got bit my the Holiday Cheer Bug, so I decided to go do some Christmas Shopping.  What a BUZZ KILL. 

I know I pouted about people who get angry while Christmas Shopping.  I didn’t want to be one of them; I tried my HARDEST to stay chipper.  But, the people at Coach bitched at me.  I walked up to what should have been the register, with the EXACT item I wanted to purchase.  All I needed was a gift box.  After demanding EVERY piece of personal information, like my address, telephone number, and email address (I don’t want your spam), which I had to watch the angry cashier try to type in, they took the item into the back room, and made me wait 20 minutes.  FOR A GIFT BOX.  I understand they were busy getting other people things from the back room and they were trying to be posh, but come on!  I had to stand there after I paid, without my item (God Knows what they were actually going to put in the bag), and waste all the time I had to get myself food.  All of this would have been fine and dandy, if I wasn’t getting snotted at the whole time.  I get shit on all day at work.  I don’t need to spend money to deal with your mood ruining attitude.

People, this is my favorite season of the year.  It is the season of giving, joy, warmth, and cheer.  It is a season of happy music (besides that horrible shoe song), eggnog, and outlandish activities, like putting a Tree indoors.  Aside from maybe Disney World, nothing on earth is as magical as Christmas.  Don’t you dare try to ruin this for me with your Ebenezer ‘tude.


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #8: Angry Shoppers

December 21, 2011

So, I was in line at Godiva today, doing some last minute shopping.  Well, for me it is last minute, but for some other people not so much.  To each his own. But, EVERYONE knows it’s Christmas time, and the lines are going to be completely outrageous.  It makes me laugh when people get mad that there is a line!  Seriously?  What did you expect?

It is the last couple of working days before Christmas, a lot of people are going to take off early.  I was in the Godiva store, which is connected to Grand Central, in Midtown…  Really Business Dude – You really think you are the only boss buying his assistant chocolates around lunch time?  Getting huffy, stomping your feet, and mumbling under your breath just isn’t going to make the line magically go faster!

To be fair, it did make me laugh that there were only two cashiers for about 60 people who were crammed into the tiny store front.  Sweet logic, Godiva!  (Sweet pun, Me!)


Rant #15: The Time Paradox

December 20, 2011

Did you ever notice that when you are doing something boring (i.e. working) time seems to just stop? But, then when you are doing something like getting ready for Christmas, for example, time seems to just disappear?

This has been annoying me this morning.  I have 8 bazillion things to do to get ready for Christmas, and instead, I am watching the minutes just take their time, refusing to tick by.  I’ll get up, do some work, check my email, play some words with friends, and then think to myself, “it has to be an hour later!”  Nope, 6 minutes.  How am I going to fill an 8 hour work day?  If every 6 minutes feels like an hour, then that means every hour is going to feel like 10 hours, therefore, today I will be working what seems to be an 80 work day.  Ugh.

All I can think about is what I need to do tonight in the 3-4 hours after work, which by the way, take about 30 seconds to happen.  I look away and all of a sudden, the clock changes from 7:15 to 11:30.  And then, I lay down, close my eyes, and the alarm goes off to wake up and get ready for work!


Rant #13: Holiday Office Parties

December 14, 2011

I have three holiday office parties coming up.  THREE.  I can barely stand one – and now I have to make small talk with the department, then the group, and then the team.  I can’t stand making small talk with these people when I’m making coffee- now, I have to pretend I like them at a party… for hours?

Company morale is already low.  Does the company know we are just going to bitch about how we would rather get some extra money in our check than suffer through forced socialization after work hours?  Okay, some people, who work at young, fun companies like their office parties.  But, I am the youngest person by far, and possibly the only person who doesn’t have kids.  I have nothing to say to these people.  “Uhhhh, hey Bob.  Did you see we got a new kind of paper for the printer?  Yeah, really exciting stuff.”

I can’t effin believe that I have to nurse a glass of wine and pretend to eat shitty food just to save face and be a “good team player.”  Not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES.   Merry Freaking Christmas.  Sweet Christmas bonus.


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #6: Chrisglittermas Cards

December 13, 2011

Like most people, I send out Christmas Cards during this festive Holiday Season.  They aren’t my favorite holiday activity, but I deal with it.  I have found one way to entertain myself during this mundane task…

I buy the glitteriest cards ever.  I want the glitter to be flying off of them.  I can prepare and protect myself while writing them; I just write them in a location with no breezes, and afterward, I have a bottle of Windex wipe up the mess.  But, the person who opens the card, which has had all the glitter jostled loose by the US Postal Service, will unknowingly be opening an explosion of “holiday joy”.  And that joy will be all over their hands, which then will spread to almost everything in their house.  BWAHAHA.   Seriously though, when their friends come over, someone will definitely ask where the strippers are stashed.

For all of my friends and family that are reading this, get ready because you are getting a card with so much glitter, people are going to mistake you for tinsel.

Congrats on Pissing Off Your Neighbors