Inappropriate Time to Laugh #15: Alcohol Educator

February 13, 2012

Dear friends,

Since my job sucks so much that it inspired me to write a blog about how stupid everyone else at this place is, it should come as no surprise that I am looking for alternative employment.  That being said, I came across what I thought would be the perfect job for me… Alcohol Educator.

The role of Alcohol Educator would suit me perfectly.  I have had years of experience, enjoy the subject, and can suggest any style of booze on any budget.  Please see the attached photos as examples of my masterful work.  Having gone to a school ranked the #3 party school my freshman year, I have first hand knowledge of important skills pertaining to alcohol consumption, including, but not limiting to, funneling, beirut, kings cup, avoiding the authorities, public urination while avoiding the authorities, breaking up fights, flirting with bouncers to avoid a line and cover charge, bombs, bear fights, wine racks (aka booze bra), shuffle board, jute boxes, quarters (unfortunately), blacking out after getting home, and finally passing out with all of my clothes on.

Unfortunately, as I read the job listing further, it a call for “… an Alcohol Educator who will increase awareness of risks, effective interventions, and prevention activities to address harmful drinking. The Alcohol Educator will educate members, collaborate on the development and delivery of public education campaigns… He/she will manage initiatives to reduce harmful drinking, specifically excessive and underage drinking with an emphasis on high-risk communities.”

Whomps.

Sincerely,

Still Looking For Another Effing Job

Here we go…

        


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #14: What Could It Be?

February 7, 2012

I am so sorry to laugh, because the guy is a great guy, BUT…

There is a man at work, just looking at his computer, mumbling under his breath.  He is saying things like:

-What the HELL is THAT?
-I have NEVER seen that.
-Seriously, WTF is this?
-Who would send something like this?
-Why is that there?
-WHAT IS THIS?
-Oh My God….

Now, I can’t see his computer screen, but I am DYING to know what he is looking at!  Every time he lets out a whisper, I get more interested.  Also, I am starting to imagine the possibilities of what it COULD be… Elephant porn? Ripley’s Believe It or Not? Something related to work?  (Nahhhh…)  A cruise ship held up by fire ants that can walk on water?  Does Betty White have a sex tape?


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #13: Falling Friends and Family

January 31, 2012

My poor friends and family.  Really – I feel bad for them.  When they come to me with sore bums and hurt pride from falling in a public space… I just can’t help but laugh.  Seriously, can you just imagine… some one you know, being THAT person! The person that people run back to their desk to gchat their friends about… “HEY – I SAW SOMEONE TOTALLY EAT SHIT!!”

I just find slapstick humor very funny – I can’t help it.  I just can’t.  So, when someone very very very dear to me texted me about a horrible fall-escalator-in front of a bunch of people disaster… I felt so bad, but I couldn’t stop myself – I laughed. And then passed on these pictures to ease the tension my laughter created…


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #12: Useless Bosses

January 26, 2012

I was out of the office for a long weekend… Thursday through Monday.  I thought – no big deal; people can fend for themselves for THREE days.  Apparently, I was wrong.

It truly makes me laugh – how helpless can you be?  I had a request on Thursday to print something out… on Tuesday, I came back to find out – NO ONE figured out how to hit print!  Not only did I have several emails asking for some of the DUMBEST stuff, my desk was buried in papers.  No no, not neatly stacked like you may have thought.  Scattered all over my desk, key board, and chair… some with post-its saying things like “scan this” or “FedEx this”.  Really?  Really?  I don’t know if they even figured out how to pick up the phone while I was away.

You may be thinking, “Well, it is nice to be needed.”  In this case, not so much.  I don’t mind the actual work I do, what I mind is wiping dribble off the chins of adults that supposedly function in the real world.  I mean, how would you ever get reservations at a restaurant if you didn’t have an assistant to make them?

Moral of the Story: No matter how smart, successful, or high powered you are… You are useless if you can’t properly use a printer.


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #11: Chocolate… FOR BREAKFAST

January 19, 2012

So many times, I have thought to myself, “Being an adult really stinks.”  And it does… with a few exceptions.  One part that stinks is the dependence on coffee – which for me means: not functioning at all until AT LEAST the second cup.  But, as many people know, if you are going to have at least two cups of coffee, you must have a little something in your tummy.  I am just way to cheap to buy breakfast, so I usually comb the office for freebies.

This morning, there is no one here, and therefore, no free food.  EXCEPT for the Godiva Truffles… So, I had CHOCOLATE for BREAKFAST!!  I know, I know – I am going end up like Paula Dean (too soon?) or on the Biggest Loser, but sometimes a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do.  I love chocolate, and I have to cling to the joys of being an adult.  No one is going to stop me from stuffing my face at any time throughout the day!


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #10: So You Think Your Job is Bad…

January 10, 2012

All day, I have just been sitting here listening to people to complain about their jobs.  Whining about other groups getting more than what they have or a boss liking someone else better.  It just makes me laugh.  Not only should they be thankful they have a job in this economy, they should also be thankful that they don’t have my old job.

At my old job, if you didn’t hit 80 hours a week, management didn’t think you were working hard enough.  During these long days, you spent most of the time printing out pages that were only going to be thrown away because someone changed their mind.  You were lucky if you made it through the day without someone calling you stupid, trying to make you look bad, or screaming and swearing at you.  Everyday, someone in the office literally cried.  At one point, someone my level chucked a stapler at a person the level above us.  Yeah, he didn’t get in trouble.  Seriously, nothing happened to him.  This was the type of job that invaded your life– so much so, that when weekends rolled around, and you happened to be out of the office, you dreaded your phone ringing… because you know there was a very real possibility of being told to drop what you were doing, and go straight to work, for three days, without sleep.

These people can groan about having to stay until 7 pm (OMG!!) and not getting to go to some meeting at a hotel.  They can piss their pants about someone else’s benefits.  I just sit here and giggle, because this is cake compared to the soul suck that I used to work at.  Just one time, I would love to watch these people pull a hand truck stacked with 20 boxes across 3rd Ave, and up the ramp to the freight elevator, in suit and 4 inch heels.

 


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #9: I Took the Day Off

December 30, 2011

It is a very good day– I am still in my PJ’s and it’s 3 pm.  I am lounging on the couch with my boyfriend.  Regular people are at work.  Suckers.

I love taking the day off when I know other people are working.  At some point in the day, I like to check the facebook statuses of the people at work, just so I can feel extra awesome that I am not in the office!!

This is what I am doing with my day off