Rant #22: Choosing a Restaurant

January 6, 2012

I hate picking places to eat.  I am a vegetarian, and I tend to be the most flexible person I know.  I will go anywhere.  I may not eat anything; I may grab a slice of pizza before or after.  But, I will show up, no problem, to the assigned restaurant.

Maybe it is because New York has TOO many choices.  Maybe it is because people can’t think about anyone but themselves.  For whatever reason, people, even people I like, become a-holes when choosing a restaurant.  They say something like, “I don’t know-  I’ll go where ever you want to go.”  This is a blatant lie.

The conversation goes something like this:

“How about Place A?”
“Ehhh, I don’t like that type of food.”
“How about Place B?”
“Ehhh, that’s too far a way.”
“How about Place C?”
“Ehh, So-and-So can’t eat there.”
“How about Place D?”
“Ehhh, I really don’t feel like that place.”
“How about Place E?”
“Ehhh, it’s too expensive.”



Rant #18: Tourists in NYC

December 29, 2011

I am sorry, I know I  live in the greatest city on earth and I should be proud that people want to see it.  But, Holy Expletive Batman, these people are KILLING me.  There are a few issues regarding tourists that drive ALL New Yorkers nuts.

1)  The abrupt stop and look up.  You CANNOT do this.  Step to the side of the side walk, give us some warning, or something.  I will run you over, because I don’t expect you to randomly stop.  They are buildings, most of them have offices in them; there is nothing special about them.  OMG, they are tall.

2) Linking arms to take up the whole side walk.  You HAVE to give people the chance to pass you.  We are in a rush.  How do I know everyone is in a rush?  Because everyone in NYC times their lives down to the minute.  It takes me 27 minutes to walk to work.  If I can’t pass you, I am late.

3)  The blinking orange hand – that means hurry up across the street, not stop.  If you block the cross walk for this, and make people miss the light, you will get scolded.  I almost knocked a man holding his Macy’s bags over, because he was going to get me stuck in the middle of Park Avenue.  That is just torture.

4)  Tourists, please, get out of midtown and the financial district from 8 am – 9:30 am and 5 pm – 7 pm.  Stay off the subways too.  You will be a lot more comfortable when everyone is in work.  There is plenty to see and do in the City.  There is no reason to fight with people going to and from work.   They will always win.

People say New Yorkers are rude.  We are not rude.  We truly respect everyone else’s time, and strive to take up as little of it as possible.  We have no interest in prying into your private business, nor do we want to interrupt your day.  Some how, this idea of efficiency is just lost on these freaking tourists.

Inappropriate Time to Laugh #8: Angry Shoppers

December 21, 2011

So, I was in line at Godiva today, doing some last minute shopping.  Well, for me it is last minute, but for some other people not so much.  To each his own. But, EVERYONE knows it’s Christmas time, and the lines are going to be completely outrageous.  It makes me laugh when people get mad that there is a line!  Seriously?  What did you expect?

It is the last couple of working days before Christmas, a lot of people are going to take off early.  I was in the Godiva store, which is connected to Grand Central, in Midtown…  Really Business Dude – You really think you are the only boss buying his assistant chocolates around lunch time?  Getting huffy, stomping your feet, and mumbling under your breath just isn’t going to make the line magically go faster!

To be fair, it did make me laugh that there were only two cashiers for about 60 people who were crammed into the tiny store front.  Sweet logic, Godiva!  (Sweet pun, Me!)

Inappropriate Time to Laugh #7: Building “Security”

December 16, 2011

So, in NYC, after certain events, there has been a trend of heightened security, fire drills, emergency kits, and a bunch of other precautionary measures, especially in office buildings.  I understand that some of it is helpful, and some of it is just to make us feel safe.  But, the guys in the lobby of my building just make me laugh.

This crack squad of overweight and/or non-english speaking dudes don’t even bother to check your ID.  People just waltz in and out– we might as well not even have a security desk.  I forgot my ID when I went out to lunch today.  I came back and went to the security desk to say, “Could you please let me in?”  The rotund man, who I have never seen before, just replied “ehh” and waved me upstairs.  He didn’t ask what floor, to see my license, or even what company.  Way to make me feel safe, guy.  Keep on making sure ANYONE can get in.

Oh, PS, we have the Dutch Embassy Offices upstairs.  You would think the security desk would be a little concerned.  Just a little.

Rant #11: The Snow Obsession

December 8, 2011

So that was a HUGE snow storm last night.  Let the season of overreactions and nonstop talk about the weather begin.

We are not in school anymore; snow days very rarely mean a fun day to stay home, while your mom makes cookies and hot chocolate.  Why do we all have to focus on it?  OMG, it’s SNOW, I have never seen such a magical white power.  Get over it, people.  Quit buying all the bread, milk, and water in the grocery store.  How many sandwiches can you eat in a week?  Really, you are going to drink ALL of that milk before it goes bad?

Snow makes the morning commute really stink, especially in the City– I get it.  Most people with real jobs can work from home on those days… so stay home.  Take a sick day.  I don’t care.  I will be stomping to work with my big boots and heavy coat no matter what the weather, because I am not important enough to be allowed to work remotely.  I don’t need to hear you hem and haw about when to come in, if you should come in, or if your kids have school or not.  We live in the Northeast, weather happens.  Most of the time, like last night, it is completely irrelevant and underwhelming.

Rant #10: Occupy Wall Street

December 7, 2011

C’mon guys, I don’t want to hear anything else about Occupy Wall Street. 

While I can sympathize with the occupiers, the “movement” is over.  The problems are very real.  I understand, first hand, what it is like to be over-qualified, over-educated, and under-paid.  I understand what it is like to hate every waking moment of your so-called “career.”  Furthermore, I understand what it is like to be unemployed and looking for this phantom thing known as a job.  But, that doesn’t mean you should just give up and go complain about how life is unfair.

Life is unfair.  There are winners and there are losers.  People pick teams; people push other people down to advance themselves.  This is how the world works.  What we were taught in elementary school is a complete lie, and it did our whole generation a disservice to have teachers, parents, and coaches shelter us from the lesson of perseverance.  Not everyone gets a trophy.  Deal with it.

I apologize for the lack of comedy in this post, but it has been weighing on me for quite sometime.  I am tired of the complaining or the expectation that society or the government is going to hand you the life you want.  Wall Street is actually a shining example of hard work, perseverance, and the possibilities for rewards.  Maybe some people do get more of a reward than they deserve, but how would I know?  Am I jealous of their comp? Absolutely.  Do I want to do their job?  No– not at all.

People need to take more responsibility for themselves.  Occupy Wall Street is just another group of people pointing their finger at someone else.  As the saying goes, when you point your finger, your other fingers point back at you.

Inappropriate Time to Laugh #1: NYC Rain Storms

November 17, 2011

Okay, okay, I bet you were expecting a rant about the City in the rain.  I mean, we all know it sucks and it is annoying… BUT!!  It makes me laugh.

True New Yorkers know some secrets.  1) We tend to dress for the weather- water proof boots and umbrella.  Perfect!  You know we all have stashes of umbrellas at out desks, in our bags, at the top of our closets.  2) We know holding a newspaper over your head isn’t going to do squat – some people do it anyway, but they are just kidding themselves.  3) We know that the umbrellas bought on the street will most likely be one-time-use and will, at some point, end up in the inevitable umbrella graveyard that lines the streets, because the trash cans are too full of these lightening rods.

AND MY FAVORITE OF ALL TIME… the thing that makes me laugh inappropriately:

4) THE PUDDLES.  Everyone has done it once.  It truly has happened to all of us.  You step in what you think is 1/8 of an inch of water at most, and BAM the 2 ft puddle swallows your leg whole.  I LOVE watching people do this.  It makes me laugh hysterically.  Almost to the point of tears.  It is that genuinely shocked expression- when they just realize they have street water over their shoe, their sock is soaked, and now they have to walk around ALL day with a squishy foot.

BWAHAHAHA.  These suckers make my day.