Rant #31: Fans

February 3, 2012

The Super Bowl is coming up – and this is a really important one, if you are in the North East.  There seems to be a lot of football talk happening… and I like most of it.  But, I HATE A-Hole fans.

Full Disclosure: I am a Giants Fan.  I want the Giants to win.

Not all fans are A-Holes.  (I mean, let’s be serious, not everyone is from Boston… or Philly.)  I have no problem with anyone wanting a team other than “my” team to win.  Zero problem.  I have a problem with fans that feel the need to call great plays made by the other team “lucky” or a “fluke.”  Look people, as much as it kills you to even think it… The guys on the other team worked as hard as “your” guys did.  No matter who wins, the game will be fair.

Also, there is a reason why I am putting quotes around “my” and “your”:  You and I are NOT a part of the Team.  I am not a player for the Giants, so therefore, I am not going to talk shit and say, “we are going to crush you.”  I am sorry, I may love the Giants, but I am not a 250 lbs athletic man.  When we cheer for “our” team, we say, “Go GIANTS!!”  Not, “Go US!!!”

Side Note: Suck it, Pats Fans.


Why Are You Telling Me This #1: Stretch Marks

February 2, 2012

People have a habit of over-sharing with me.  I never ever EVER thought I was a “TMI” kind of person – I thought I would never care what details people decided to tell me.  For the most part, I still don’t.  But, there is always that one person that decides they are going to push the boundaries; they are going to test my gag reflex.  They are just going to go for it.

Everyday, I come into work, mind my own business, and try my best not to talk to ANYONE.  This is on purpose.  It is not because I am antisocial or shy.  It is because the people here are certifiable.  I just try to take Rusty’s advice – “be specific but not memorable, be funny but don’t make him laugh. He’s got to like you then forget you the moment you’ve left his side.”  This is how I try to get through the work day.

With that in mind, why would you tell ME about your stretch marks from pregnancy?  I don’t care what yours look like in comparison to your friend’s.  IN FACT, I don’t want to hear about what it was like to be pregnant or give birth.  I don’t want to know about anything regarding your reproductive organs.  WHY DO YOU THINK I CARE?

Rant #30: My Friends Stink

February 1, 2012

Some times, I hate my friends.  LOATH. I am angry with them, because they keep making me really jealous of them.  Obviously, there are a lot of great things in my life, because I only rant about first world problems.  (Oh no!  They ran out of strawberries at jamba juice!! Nooooooooo!) But, my friends really suck– they are so spoiled.

There have been a lot of great things happening in my friends’ lives.  A LOT.  This should make me happy, not insanely jealous.  Too bad, I’m me.  Here are the things that my a-hole friends need to stop doing.

-Getting puppies
-Quitting their jobs to travel the world
-Going back to school
-Getting new jobs
-Losing weight
-Going on vacation of any kind
-Drinking without being Hungover
-Getting puppies

You maybe thinking… Those are totally things I could do, if I wasn’t so negative.  Yeah, I am working on it.  In the mean time, all my friends can suck it.  Especially you, Boomer.


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #13: Falling Friends and Family

January 31, 2012

My poor friends and family.  Really – I feel bad for them.  When they come to me with sore bums and hurt pride from falling in a public space… I just can’t help but laugh.  Seriously, can you just imagine… some one you know, being THAT person! The person that people run back to their desk to gchat their friends about… “HEY – I SAW SOMEONE TOTALLY EAT SHIT!!”

I just find slapstick humor very funny – I can’t help it.  I just can’t.  So, when someone very very very dear to me texted me about a horrible fall-escalator-in front of a bunch of people disaster… I felt so bad, but I couldn’t stop myself – I laughed. And then passed on these pictures to ease the tension my laughter created…

Rant #29: Questions for the Ages.

January 30, 2012

I have been pondering these questions.  The nature of the questions will convey my point.

How do you not notice when:

-You pee on the seat?  You have to turn around to flush.
-Spill your beverage in the kitchen?  You have less in your glass.
-Talk on the phone to loudly?  Everyone closes their doors… if they are lucky enough to have doors.
-Share too much personal information?  Seriously, breast pumps are TMI.

Why do you think I care about:

-Your opinion?
-Your ideas surrounding politics?
-What you should get your boyfriend for Valentines Day?
-How much work you claim to be doing?

 Do you really think you are too important to:

-Say please and thank you?
-Remember anyone’s name?
-Put more paper in the printer when it runs out?
-Check your own calendar?
-Use your inside voice inside?

Even Mr. Rude Has Better Manners than You.

Rant #28: Eating Habits

January 27, 2012

I have been holding out on this topic for quite some time.  This is possibly the MOST annoying thing in the world to me.  I can’t even describe the feeling of rage and utter annoyance that a slurp or an open mouth chew gives me.  I should NEVER be able to hear you eat.

If you are going to eat crunchy cereal at work, you better know how to eat properly.  You better close your mouth when you chew, refrain from slurping off your spoon, and be able to put a spoon in your mouth without scraping your teeth across it.  SERIOUSLY PEOPLE… DOES NO ONE ELSE NOTICE???

Manners were a very big part of my upbringing.  Manners at the dinner table were emphasized… to say the least.  They were so important, that if we had a silent supper at my house, you wouldn’t have even known we were eating.

To hear some one eat is truly torture to me.  I understand that I may be a little extreme on this, but to hear you smack your lips while your food and beverage swish around in your mouth, makes me want to simultaneously vomit and punch you so hard you won’t be able to eat for weeks.

Inappropriate Time to Laugh #12: Useless Bosses

January 26, 2012

I was out of the office for a long weekend… Thursday through Monday.  I thought – no big deal; people can fend for themselves for THREE days.  Apparently, I was wrong.

It truly makes me laugh – how helpless can you be?  I had a request on Thursday to print something out… on Tuesday, I came back to find out – NO ONE figured out how to hit print!  Not only did I have several emails asking for some of the DUMBEST stuff, my desk was buried in papers.  No no, not neatly stacked like you may have thought.  Scattered all over my desk, key board, and chair… some with post-its saying things like “scan this” or “FedEx this”.  Really?  Really?  I don’t know if they even figured out how to pick up the phone while I was away.

You may be thinking, “Well, it is nice to be needed.”  In this case, not so much.  I don’t mind the actual work I do, what I mind is wiping dribble off the chins of adults that supposedly function in the real world.  I mean, how would you ever get reservations at a restaurant if you didn’t have an assistant to make them?

Moral of the Story: No matter how smart, successful, or high powered you are… You are useless if you can’t properly use a printer.