Rant #23: Hungover and Over and Over

Holy Moly was I hungover this weekend!  On Friday night, I definitely drank too much.  We went to watch the PBR Bull Riding at MSG.  They served beer in cups with a lid and a straw – bad news bears.  I was drinking beers like they were out of a sippy cup.

I used to be able to drink and be totally fine the next day.  No problem.  As soon as I hit 21, hello hangovers.  As soon as I hit 25, hello MULTIPLE DAY hangovers.  I went out on FRIDAY and I didn’t feel normal until this morning – MONDAY.  What the shit?  I was completely non functional on Saturday – THE WHOLE DAY.  I felt like I was dying.  (Seriously, I was clutching my head and stomach moaning and muttering “Jesus Christ!”) Then, on Sunday, I STILL had a headache and stomach ache… granted I could eat a little bit, and water didn’t taste like a mixture of poison and pennies.  What has changed since the days of keg stands?  Now, it makes me feel so lame, but if some one asked me to do a keg stand, I would laugh at them and say… I’d be Hungover for a week!!

Rant #22: Choosing a Restaurant

I hate picking places to eat.  I am a vegetarian, and I tend to be the most flexible person I know.  I will go anywhere.  I may not eat anything; I may grab a slice of pizza before or after.  But, I will show up, no problem, to the assigned restaurant.

Maybe it is because New York has TOO many choices.  Maybe it is because people can’t think about anyone but themselves.  For whatever reason, people, even people I like, become a-holes when choosing a restaurant.  They say something like, “I don’t know-  I’ll go where ever you want to go.”  This is a blatant lie.

The conversation goes something like this:

“How about Place A?”
“Ehhh, I don’t like that type of food.”
“How about Place B?”
“Ehhh, that’s too far a way.”
“How about Place C?”
“Ehh, So-and-So can’t eat there.”
“How about Place D?”
“Ehhh, I really don’t feel like that place.”
“How about Place E?”
“Ehhh, it’s too expensive.”

HOW ABOUT YOU PICK THE DAMN PLACE!!

Rant #21: Gmail, WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME

I am sorry, but the new gmail is driving me bananas.  B A N A N A anas.  Seriously gmail, why did you change to a crappy social networking interface?

I spend my life on gchat… I mean, let’s be serious, I would do anything not to do work at work (or at all).  So, OF COURSE, I talk to my peeps (how 90’s!) all day long.  Now, I am stuck looking a crappy default screen.  I changed it to a little less crappy theme, but I really miss my old interface.  ON TOP OF THAT… it is so not easy to see who to reply to after there has been a reply to a forward.  (I was as confused about where to click as you are about that sentence.)  When I forward something, generally it is to talk crap about the person who sent me the email… I can’t handle accidentally sending my bad mouthing back to them!  And the floating symbols! GAH!  I end up holding my cursor over them and making a confused face until the clarifying text comes up.  I am sorry, but the delete button doesn’t look like a trash can to me– it looks like a rectangle wearing a hat.

Fail, Gmail.  This is a major Fail.

Rant #20: Stop SCREAMING into Your Phone

I can certainly be a loud person, and I can certainly lose my temper and yell at people over the phone.  But, it truly irks me when people speak in an unnecessarily loud volume during a normal phone conversation.

I am not talking about when old people yell into the phone, because they either can’t hear you or they think cell phones don’t work like regular phones.  I am talking about people who WANT you to hear their IMPORTANT phone conversation.  They are the same type of person who has a blackberry for work just so they can check it at the bar.  Here’s a hint people, if you have to pretend to be important- you’re just not.

Look, you useless temp attorney, when your project’s over, you’re gone.  It doesn’t matter if you are BFF’s with the head of the litigation department; you are still, by definition, TEMPORARY.  I don’t care where you went to law school or which one of your 316 bosses is calling you.  Please STFU, so I can mess around on the internet in peace.

Rant #19: Bitchy Customer Service Reps

So, I am trying to plan a trip to the Grand Canyon.  I called to find out about the iconic mule ride.  I KNOW it is last minute, seeing as we are going during this month, but I thought- hey, it’s the off season.

Let me I tell you, if it was ever possible to slap some one through the phone, I hope to speak to this lady again.  What a horrible itchy B.  I started out nice, apologizing for the short notice.  She just wouldn’t have it, saying all sorts of things to make a mule ride sound more important than it is.  You are a customer service rep… there to take reservations.  I am the customer calling to make reservations.  I am not sure why you have a problem taking the freaking reservation!!

She rattled off this list of rules and questions – including asking me if I was pregnant.  Seriously, she abruptly blurted out, “Are you pregnant?” And then followed up with, “Will you be pregnant?”  Ummm…  No.  “Do you speak fluent English?”  Obviously not.  Ugh.  “Will you be at the Grand Canyon 24 hours before the mule trip, so you can weigh in?”  ARE YOU KIDDING?  At this point, I didn’t even know if they had availability.  It turns out they did, but it was $120 a person that needed to be paid at that moment, and there are all sorts of refund conditions.  When I (still, amazingly, politely) asked if there was more than two open spots on the trip and would it be a huge problem if I made my decision tomorrow, SHE TRIED TO BULLY ME.  Look Lady, go back to the Customer Service Training Video and try to pay attention.

It is a Effing Mule Ride…. Which I will not be going on.

This is what I think She looked like.

Inappropriate Time to Laugh #9: I Took the Day Off

It is a very good day– I am still in my PJ’s and it’s 3 pm.  I am lounging on the couch with my boyfriend.  Regular people are at work.  Suckers.

I love taking the day off when I know other people are working.  At some point in the day, I like to check the facebook statuses of the people at work, just so I can feel extra awesome that I am not in the office!!

This is what I am doing with my day off

Rant #18: Tourists in NYC

I am sorry, I know I  live in the greatest city on earth and I should be proud that people want to see it.  But, Holy Expletive Batman, these people are KILLING me.  There are a few issues regarding tourists that drive ALL New Yorkers nuts.

1)  The abrupt stop and look up.  You CANNOT do this.  Step to the side of the side walk, give us some warning, or something.  I will run you over, because I don’t expect you to randomly stop.  They are buildings, most of them have offices in them; there is nothing special about them.  OMG, they are tall.

2) Linking arms to take up the whole side walk.  You HAVE to give people the chance to pass you.  We are in a rush.  How do I know everyone is in a rush?  Because everyone in NYC times their lives down to the minute.  It takes me 27 minutes to walk to work.  If I can’t pass you, I am late.

3)  The blinking orange hand – that means hurry up across the street, not stop.  If you block the cross walk for this, and make people miss the light, you will get scolded.  I almost knocked a man holding his Macy’s bags over, because he was going to get me stuck in the middle of Park Avenue.  That is just torture.

4)  Tourists, please, get out of midtown and the financial district from 8 am – 9:30 am and 5 pm – 7 pm.  Stay off the subways too.  You will be a lot more comfortable when everyone is in work.  There is plenty to see and do in the City.  There is no reason to fight with people going to and from work.   They will always win.

People say New Yorkers are rude.  We are not rude.  We truly respect everyone else’s time, and strive to take up as little of it as possible.  We have no interest in prying into your private business, nor do we want to interrupt your day.  Some how, this idea of efficiency is just lost on these freaking tourists.

Rant #17: Last One in The Office

Oh Hello, Fancy seeing you here, since I am the LAST ONE IN THE OFFICE.  I am a legal assistant, people.  My job isn’t that important.  So, why is my bottom chained to the seat?  Why aren’t the important people here?  If the days between Christmas and New Years are so unimportant, that NO ONE comes in, why have ANY ONE here?  Close the office!! 

But, NOOOOOOO… when all the bosses are gone, they have their assistants stuck in the office until 5:30 pm, so if the phone rings, the assistant can say, “He’s in Aspen right now… Nope, he won’t answer you until the new year.” It is pointless. Now, all of the assistants left, and I am twiddling my thumbs until 6pm.  Great use of personnel. 

Eff it.  I’m leaving too.

Rant #16: Rude Humbug ‘Tudes

I hate when people wreck your mood.  I was all smiley and happy (it must be hard to imagine) and a number of people set out to make that mood change.

It’s a nice day; it’s the last day before a small break for Christmas; my spirits are high, as they should be.  So, I went to the pharmacy, waited in a long line, but the guy who helped me was super nice.  My spirits were still super high.  I got bit my the Holiday Cheer Bug, so I decided to go do some Christmas Shopping.  What a BUZZ KILL. 

I know I pouted about people who get angry while Christmas Shopping.  I didn’t want to be one of them; I tried my HARDEST to stay chipper.  But, the people at Coach bitched at me.  I walked up to what should have been the register, with the EXACT item I wanted to purchase.  All I needed was a gift box.  After demanding EVERY piece of personal information, like my address, telephone number, and email address (I don’t want your spam), which I had to watch the angry cashier try to type in, they took the item into the back room, and made me wait 20 minutes.  FOR A GIFT BOX.  I understand they were busy getting other people things from the back room and they were trying to be posh, but come on!  I had to stand there after I paid, without my item (God Knows what they were actually going to put in the bag), and waste all the time I had to get myself food.  All of this would have been fine and dandy, if I wasn’t getting snotted at the whole time.  I get shit on all day at work.  I don’t need to spend money to deal with your mood ruining attitude.

People, this is my favorite season of the year.  It is the season of giving, joy, warmth, and cheer.  It is a season of happy music (besides that horrible shoe song), eggnog, and outlandish activities, like putting a Tree indoors.  Aside from maybe Disney World, nothing on earth is as magical as Christmas.  Don’t you dare try to ruin this for me with your Ebenezer ‘tude.

Inappropriate Time to Laugh #8: Angry Shoppers

So, I was in line at Godiva today, doing some last minute shopping.  Well, for me it is last minute, but for some other people not so much.  To each his own. But, EVERYONE knows it’s Christmas time, and the lines are going to be completely outrageous.  It makes me laugh when people get mad that there is a line!  Seriously?  What did you expect?

It is the last couple of working days before Christmas, a lot of people are going to take off early.  I was in the Godiva store, which is connected to Grand Central, in Midtown…  Really Business Dude – You really think you are the only boss buying his assistant chocolates around lunch time?  Getting huffy, stomping your feet, and mumbling under your breath just isn’t going to make the line magically go faster!

To be fair, it did make me laugh that there were only two cashiers for about 60 people who were crammed into the tiny store front.  Sweet logic, Godiva!  (Sweet pun, Me!)