Inappropriate Time to Laugh #14: What Could It Be?

February 7, 2012

I am so sorry to laugh, because the guy is a great guy, BUT…

There is a man at work, just looking at his computer, mumbling under his breath.  He is saying things like:

-What the HELL is THAT?
-I have NEVER seen that.
-Seriously, WTF is this?
-Who would send something like this?
-Why is that there?
-WHAT IS THIS?
-Oh My God….

Now, I can’t see his computer screen, but I am DYING to know what he is looking at!  Every time he lets out a whisper, I get more interested.  Also, I am starting to imagine the possibilities of what it COULD be… Elephant porn? Ripley’s Believe It or Not? Something related to work?  (Nahhhh…)  A cruise ship held up by fire ants that can walk on water?  Does Betty White have a sex tape?


Why Are You Telling Me This #1: Stretch Marks

February 2, 2012

People have a habit of over-sharing with me.  I never ever EVER thought I was a “TMI” kind of person – I thought I would never care what details people decided to tell me.  For the most part, I still don’t.  But, there is always that one person that decides they are going to push the boundaries; they are going to test my gag reflex.  They are just going to go for it.

Everyday, I come into work, mind my own business, and try my best not to talk to ANYONE.  This is on purpose.  It is not because I am antisocial or shy.  It is because the people here are certifiable.  I just try to take Rusty’s advice – “be specific but not memorable, be funny but don’t make him laugh. He’s got to like you then forget you the moment you’ve left his side.”  This is how I try to get through the work day.

With that in mind, why would you tell ME about your stretch marks from pregnancy?  I don’t care what yours look like in comparison to your friend’s.  IN FACT, I don’t want to hear about what it was like to be pregnant or give birth.  I don’t want to know about anything regarding your reproductive organs.  WHY DO YOU THINK I CARE?


Rant #29: Questions for the Ages.

January 30, 2012

I have been pondering these questions.  The nature of the questions will convey my point.

How do you not notice when:

-You pee on the seat?  You have to turn around to flush.
-Spill your beverage in the kitchen?  You have less in your glass.
-Talk on the phone to loudly?  Everyone closes their doors… if they are lucky enough to have doors.
-Share too much personal information?  Seriously, breast pumps are TMI.

Why do you think I care about:

-Your opinion?
-Your ideas surrounding politics?
-What you should get your boyfriend for Valentines Day?
-How much work you claim to be doing?

 Do you really think you are too important to:

-Say please and thank you?
-Remember anyone’s name?
-Put more paper in the printer when it runs out?
-Check your own calendar?
-Use your inside voice inside?

Even Mr. Rude Has Better Manners than You.


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #12: Useless Bosses

January 26, 2012

I was out of the office for a long weekend… Thursday through Monday.  I thought – no big deal; people can fend for themselves for THREE days.  Apparently, I was wrong.

It truly makes me laugh – how helpless can you be?  I had a request on Thursday to print something out… on Tuesday, I came back to find out – NO ONE figured out how to hit print!  Not only did I have several emails asking for some of the DUMBEST stuff, my desk was buried in papers.  No no, not neatly stacked like you may have thought.  Scattered all over my desk, key board, and chair… some with post-its saying things like “scan this” or “FedEx this”.  Really?  Really?  I don’t know if they even figured out how to pick up the phone while I was away.

You may be thinking, “Well, it is nice to be needed.”  In this case, not so much.  I don’t mind the actual work I do, what I mind is wiping dribble off the chins of adults that supposedly function in the real world.  I mean, how would you ever get reservations at a restaurant if you didn’t have an assistant to make them?

Moral of the Story: No matter how smart, successful, or high powered you are… You are useless if you can’t properly use a printer.


Rant #26: Crime TV, Thanks for Making Me Paranoid.

January 20, 2012

OMG – There is a man working outside the window of my building and it scared the bejesus out of me.  I am on the 10th floor, and there is a rather large ledge outside my window.  But, I was just messing around on the internet, as per usual, and there he was, just peeking in the window.

It wasn’t like he was being creepy or anything.  He certainly isn’t going to tell my boss that I was not doing work.  But, Holy Shnikes. To see a random man outside my window checking out the building, made me leap out of my seat.  I don’t even know if he can see inside.  But, there was that split second that all the “Criminal Minds” and “Law and Order” episodes came rushing into my head, and I thought, “My God, I am either going to die, or now this dude is going to stalk me and then I am going to die.”

Thanks crime tv – I am now paranoid about construction workers.


Rant #17: Last One in The Office

December 28, 2011

Oh Hello, Fancy seeing you here, since I am the LAST ONE IN THE OFFICE.  I am a legal assistant, people.  My job isn’t that important.  So, why is my bottom chained to the seat?  Why aren’t the important people here?  If the days between Christmas and New Years are so unimportant, that NO ONE comes in, why have ANY ONE here?  Close the office!! 

But, NOOOOOOO… when all the bosses are gone, they have their assistants stuck in the office until 5:30 pm, so if the phone rings, the assistant can say, “He’s in Aspen right now… Nope, he won’t answer you until the new year.” It is pointless. Now, all of the assistants left, and I am twiddling my thumbs until 6pm.  Great use of personnel. 

Eff it.  I’m leaving too.


Inappropriate Time to Laugh #7: Building “Security”

December 16, 2011

So, in NYC, after certain events, there has been a trend of heightened security, fire drills, emergency kits, and a bunch of other precautionary measures, especially in office buildings.  I understand that some of it is helpful, and some of it is just to make us feel safe.  But, the guys in the lobby of my building just make me laugh.

This crack squad of overweight and/or non-english speaking dudes don’t even bother to check your ID.  People just waltz in and out– we might as well not even have a security desk.  I forgot my ID when I went out to lunch today.  I came back and went to the security desk to say, “Could you please let me in?”  The rotund man, who I have never seen before, just replied “ehh” and waved me upstairs.  He didn’t ask what floor, to see my license, or even what company.  Way to make me feel safe, guy.  Keep on making sure ANYONE can get in.

Oh, PS, we have the Dutch Embassy Offices upstairs.  You would think the security desk would be a little concerned.  Just a little.